Attractive Attraction

I think some people set about making friends the wrong way. They go out of their way to impress them or tell them of the great accomplishments that they have done. While this tactic might indeed impress people, it does not generate true friendship. This article will tell you the simple secret of how to make more friends.

All People are Inherently Selfish

Some people might be taken aback by this comment by saying, “I’m not selfish!!” Well, selfishness as it applies to this context is not a bad thing. It’s how we are wired as human beings. We seek out things that we need in life. The people who state that they are not selfish are the ones who are living comfortably and have most of what they want in life. But lets take that same person and remove their expensive cars, their home, their loved onesin fact lets remove everything that they have and place them in a locked room with 50 other people. Then let’s say that we are going to provide these 50 people with food, but only enough food for 25 of them.

Will this person still think of themselves as unselfish now? Chances are that they will fight just like the other 50 people for that food in order to survive. This need-based example is what Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs model is based on. Our motivation in life is selfish by designwe seek out things that are good for us; first attending to those things necessary for survival, then safety and emotional needs, and only when we satisfy most of our needs do we feel compelled to offer to others.

They Don’t Really Care About Your Life

Okay, that’s not entirely true with all people, but for the most part, and with strangers, they could care less about your life and your achievements and anything else you have done. Boasting about the great things you have done when conversing with people at a social gathering might make for interesting conversation, but it won’t help you gain friends because your stories are really just not important to them.

Using People’s Selfish Behavior to Make Friends

Everyone loves to talk about themselves. Why do you think the question, “What do you do for a living,” is such a popular one? People love to talk about their lives and one crucial need that people have is to be heard and acknowledged by other people. It is this need that you can use to create more friends. By simply focusing the conversation on their lives instead of your own, you will subconsciously create value for yourself in their minds as a potential friend because you are providing them with a valuable resource of someone who will listen and acknowledge. This skill is by far the most powerful friend-building tactic out there.

Practical Verbage

Use these lines to generate rapport-building talk:

“That’s interestingplease tell me more.”

“What kinds of things do you do?”

“I’m not familiar with that. Can you explain that to me?”

“What did you think about that?”

“What kinds of things do you like?”

Tristan Loo is the founder of Alternative Conflict Resolution Services, based out of San Diego County, Calfornia. Tristan is a former police officer, conflict intervention consultant, professional mediator, and negotiator. Tristan gained his experience by actively engaging conflict out on the streets, honing his knowledge and understanding of conflict during hundreds of dangerous encounters with hostile and violent subjects. Tristan is the author of Street Negotiation–How to Resolve Any Conflict Anytime.

For FREE Conflict Articles and Products, please visit our website at http://www.acrsonline.com or email us directly at info@acrsonline.com

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How do we make friends? More importantly if dropped into a new city or a new job or a new school, how do we go about making a new friends? Most of us don’t really think about it, but just sort of allow people to float in and out of our lives without really paying any attention to how we pull new people into our lives.

Years ago, my son was four years old and starting preschool. He had been begging to go for about a year and was thrilled that he was finally there. He had longed to play on their playground. He really loved all of the noise and commotion of such a large day care center. He was fascinated by the sight of all those other children running around laughing and playing. He was so excited to dive in and start hanging out with those other kids. He was naturally outgoing and energetic, and had wonderful social skills so I knew he’d get along just fine. I was a bit surprised when he came up to me after a few weeks and said that he was really struggling because as ‘the new kid’ he didn’t have any friends.

“How do I get some friends to play with me?”

I told him that every week I would give him a new assignment. I explained to him that you don’t want to run through these steps too fast because it makes people nervous and they’ll push you away. You want to give them time to adjust to you as you go through these steps.

For the first week all he had to do was smile a nice big smile and say, “Hi!” He needed to walk around saying ‘hi’ to teachers and students alike. Whoever seemed cool in his opinion. He didn’t have to be a geek about it and say ‘hi’ to everyone, just those he thought seemed kind of interesting. This gives people the impression that you’re an upbeat positive person, but not too pushy. Greet them everyday with a smile on your face.

For the second week, he had to start adding their names to the cheerful greeting. When you see someone you like, smile real big and say “Hi Joey!” or “Hi Suzy!” or “Hi Anthony!” Just start learning their names and adding it to your hellos. This way they’re already used to your pleasant greetings and it just personalizes it a bit. Greet them with a personalized greeting everyday.

For the third week, I told him to give them an honest compliment along with the greeting. Don’t make it something big and embarrassing, but something small and comfortable for them to hear you say out loud in front of others. “Hi Joey! I love your Ninja Turtle T-shirt!” or “Hi Suzy! I really like the way you color within the lines, looks great!” or “Hi Anthony! Nice haircut dude!” The key to this step is honesty. You have to find something you truly like about the person to compliment. People get an odd feeling and on some level can sense when others are being fake or insincere with them. Be honest, be upbeat, and personalize the greeting and the compliment. Again, do it every day. Consistency really matters. You’re not just making them feel good about themselves, but creating a public image of yourself as a consistently upbeat positive person.

For the fourth week, I was going to have him include an invitation to play with him in with his greetings, but he never got that far. He was having such a good time with all of his new friends that he never really bothered with any more lessons. He was very popular and well loved from that point on.

Every time he’s changed schools or neighborhoods or started going to a new church or gone away to camp or whatever, he has always used that same system to make new friends. It’s foolproof and always works for him. He’s just started high school this year and is incredibly confident in his ability to make new friends. Now, he simply walks up to strangers, flashes them his best grin, in a charming and almost clown like manner he greets them with a big hug, and will tell them he loves them before he even introduces himself. He just hams it up like a beloved comedian and delivers whatever silly greeting will make kids laugh. It’s beautiful to watch him. There isn’t a shy bone in that kids body!

Can we as adults do the same thing? I know that if I really look at my own behaviors, the times that friends have seemed a bit scarce were when I wasn’t doing a lot of reaching out and greeting them. If I wasn’t personalizing my conversations towards them and I wasn’t handing out the compliments, then new people didn’t seem to stick around and develop into friendships. Most people are a lot more insecure and shy then they let on, and they really feel good when someone else notices them enough to learn their name and to greet them with a real compliment. It usually makes them feel comfortable enough to respond and to begin opening up.

It’s a really simple exercise consistently greet them, personalize the greeting, and then add a compliment to the greeting, if you aren’t friends by then, offer an invitation along with the greeting. People love to feel likeable. This system lets them know that you think they’re likeable without making you feel like an uncomfortable nerd. It’s slow enough paced to not be forced, unnatural, or pushy. We humans have funny little behavioral rules and rituals that we follow instinctively and red warning flags pop up when someone doesn’t approach us just right. Deep down, I think we’re still just as skittish and easily spooked away as the first cavemen. Give them time to check you out. It’s amazing how beautifully this works.

Copyright 2003, Skye Thomas, Tomorrow’s Edge

About The Author

Skye Thomas began writing books and articles with an everyday practical approach to spirituality, motivation, and inspiration in 1999 after twenty years of studying spirituality, metaphysics, motivation, and parenting. More of her articles can be found at www.tomorrowsedge.net as well as free previews of her books.

skye@tomorrowsedge.net

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A lot of your people problems and concerns about what other people think will fade into the background when you understand one crucial reality.

Most people are interested in you only to the extent they can get something from you.

I know this sounds harsh. Bear with me a moment while I explain.

Apart from your family and closest friends most other people see you as either a hindrance or as a means to getting what they want.

If you can help them get what they want they will smile at you, say you are wonderful and do whatever they can to keep you happy and available in the future.

On the other hand if you stop being a means to the fulfillment of their needs these very same people may well shun you, insult you and have nothing to do with you.

Let me give you an example. You meet someone special and you date. Things progress and a few weeks later you are both in love and life has never been better. You are the center of the universe for that person and whatever you desire is immediately granted with a smile.

Fast forward three months and the same person is screaming down the phone at you, saying how useless you are and never to call again! What happened? How could something so good go so wrong?

In very simple terms you went from satisfying the other persons emotional needs to not satisfying them. And the extreme change in how they treat you is because of what I said at the beginning of this article:

Most people are interested in you only to the extent they can get something from you.

Whereas in the early days of the relationship you attended to all of the other persons needs as time passed you grew complacent and things slipped to the point that key needs went unsatisfied.

At one point you were the answer to this persons prayers but now you serve no purpose in this persons life hence the anger and annoyance.

How can you use this insight?

1. Be alert to the unspoken demands the people in you life place on you. And understand that your relationships depend on the meeting of these underlying needs.

2. If you want to be free of a relationship that is limiting you then stop offering the demanded input whether that be advice, time, acceptance or any other resource or support.

Be ready for fireworks though since your input will often be taken for granted until you withdraw it.

3. Realize that when you feel self conscious there is no need to be since most people are preoccupied being self conscious themselves!

And as far as they are concerned you are a means to an end. If John Friend phones you to go to the cinema it is so he will enjoy your company and to avoid looking silly going there alone.

Of course the same applies to you and I. And it is the mutual filling of needs that underpins interactions, friendships and business relationships.

To sum up. We all want something from each other usually we are looking to fill emotional needs and this is the way the world is. Once you accept this you can use this understanding to look for what people want from you and then meet their needs.

If you do this effectively you will never be short of friends and people keen to spend time with you.

About The Author

Peter Murphy is a peak performance expert. He recently produced a very popular free report: 10 Simple Steps to Developing Communication Confidence. Apply now because it is available for a limited time only at: http://www.howtotalkwithconfidence.com/report.htm

peter1510@hotmail.com

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